Rain, cloud and the election handbook alike are omens, the same kind as candidate’s Instagram accounts that populate both friend’s stories and follow request tabs, all are harbingers of the coming election season. While this may be an exciting time for some people, we at The Blazer understand that shouldering the weight of democratic responsibility can be stressful. Magnanimously, we’ve created a voting guide, to further inform your vote, on the greater and lesser prepared of this year's candidates, sometimes for real policy reasons, but mostly just off vibes.
School Board Representative
Standing at an estimated five foot one, hailing from somewhere, probably, Katelyn Liao is objectively the most prepared for the School Board Representative position, sporting many accolades and concrete policy positions. Sasha Friedman, on the other hand, failed to include any issues, policy, or really anything in his statement. Jonathan Schwartz, though being the only other candidate to have actual ideas and ethos, was said by an anonymous Blazer staff member to be “maybe the wrong option, for some inexplicable reason. Maybe it’s something about the picture. It’s like he’s looking through me. Haunting, really.”
Chief of Publicity
Truly a disheartening ballot this time around, as every candidate seems to have copied off each other. Every statement reads identically, something about energy, something about fun, some non-committal, non-idea about what to do with the morning announcements. The sole exception is Cami Sackey, who’s ‘Queer Facts’ is the only proposed idea, though buried in another generic statement. Antonio Nordman, Ki’Donyae Bell and Liam Tucker are very safe choices; nothing bad, but certainly nothing wildly outstanding about them. Melody Castro and Amaya Houston are better options, due to having an idea of what they’d do with the position. Noe Linvill is also a candidate on the ballot.
ASB President/Vice President
Candidates for ASB President are Gursimar Kaur and Drew Henderson, with his ASB VP candidate, Erin Freeman. The two parties are very evenly matched, experience and plans stacking up nearly one for one, and though Kaur just seems to be slightly more qualified, Henderson and Freeman have more raw passion, posting three times on Instagram as of writing, as opposed to Kaur’s two. At the end of the day, they just want it more, the truly important quality in politics.
Senior Class President/Vice President
This category is tough, and all candidates are worthy of your vote. Twins Taylor and Jayla Johnson have good ideas, centered around addressing inexperience in the “real world”, Toby Jacobson-Bell and Mei Saphir have an emphasis on school spirit. Charlotte Daphne Lee has a focus on accessibility and Title IV, yes, four, and Eliza McGlashan and Finn Brooks have a fun catchphrase. Truly, evenly matched candidates. Unfortunately, Taylor and Jayla Johnson’s plans to teach highschoolers how to do taxes fails to recognize the oncoming social revolution, of which will hopefully abolish taxes come next year. Jacobson-Bell and Saphir have the most combined characters in their names of any party, naturally making them the first choice, if not for McGlashan’s photo in front of the Lincoln Memorial. Coin flip landed heads, and we don’t know what that means, so you can just vote for whoever it won’t matter.
Junior Class President/Vice President
Due to time constraints, we will henceforth be throwing darts at a dartboard. Do keep in mind that this decision is still objectively correct and could be supported by actual facts, we just don’t feel like it. Jessica Hipona and Jacob Naisuler Lee are the clear best choices for Junior Class President and Vice President, respectively, based entirely on policy positions and achievements and also the fact that they were hit first on the dartboard.
Sophomore Class President/Vice President
Dartboard says Armana Aradom and Denise Hernandez.