Jack Meholf, AC Senior, is possibly the worst athlete to ever grace the Berkeley High Cross Country team. He joined the team as a Sophomore, and quickly became one its most despised members, an impressive feat in the Cross Country team. Boasting an unimpressive thirty-four minute mile, but a relatively fast twenty-nine minute two mile, Meholf has garnered hate on and off the track. Not only does he bring down team averages, but has also been accused multiple times of switching urinals while peeing, stealing notebooks then rearranging pages, and once of perjury during United States v. Texas. We could not secure an interview with Meholf, because he was too busy “texting [his] super hot girlfriend,” though eyewitness reports say he was playing Clash Royale. The team is “like a second family,” he said, once he had lost his game. “And I’m John List,” he continued, referencing the infamous case in which List killed his wife and three children. Meholf was unenjoyable to talk to, constantly making uncomfortable noises with his mouth or ears. He is inspired by nobody, hasn’t accomplished anybody, has no dreams, and no goals, and yet he remains in the upper half of Cross Country athletes.
March 2nd, 2024