She’s smiling when I get there. Throughout the duration of the interview, Jessica Hipona deftly dodges every question, filibusters around difficult topics, and maintains the air of someone pure of heart, displaying a winning smile and innocent eyes, despite her sinister machinations that I have come so close to uncovering. First, the topic on everyone’s mind: her spot in the bulletin. Hipona contests that she needs to record while she walks, due to the immense tax of her schedule; a well-practiced answer. It’s true; Hipona would reference several times her amount of work, even saying that she dreams about her work.
The most stunning answer came when asked about her record eight appearances on Jeffrey Epstein, the New York financier's, flight logs. She feigned ignorance, claiming that she didn’t even know who Epstein was. At the time, Jessica Hipona was running for ASB President, a race she would mysteriously not win. Back then, her biggest priorities were staying on top of everything; being crushed under her workload was the largest threat to the campaign, and second, sabotage. This sabotage, she said, would likely come in the form of a rumor. What could there be to be rumored about from an Epstein affiliate, I have no idea.
Field research shows that Hipona, despite making up less than 1% of the population, took up 58% of all bulletin time across this school year, more than any other singular person, and far more than any human should be allowed. Contrary to this offending statistic, Hipona said she largely doesn’t enjoy the fame. Like a reverse Clark Kent, when she doesn’t want to be recognized, she’ll take off her iconic glasses; so be on the lookout for glasses-less Jessica Hipona. Worst of all is when people make assumptions about her, which she named as the number one thing she despised. Anyway, she’s probably like a lizard person or something.