Berkeley High Vice Principal, Harrison Blatt, has been put on temporary leave following backlash for a leaked verse of his on the bi-monthly “Freestyle Fridays” bulletin segment. The unreleased footage sent in by an anonymous Daniel Ellsberg features Mr. Blatt in his iconic light-gray suit and satchel caught on his way out of a cloudy D1 bathroom. The Chief of Publicity, originally planning for Blatt to announce an upcoming CCC fundraiser, was shocked to hear “Oh my god, I’ve always wanted to be in one of these…I’ve been practicing in the shower.” This was followed by a long struggle for Blatt to access his three-terabyte beat folder on Dropbox, dubbed his “Blattle Armory.” The remainder of the video successfully salvaged from the camera has left every witness at the Blazer office shaken, even bringing the Blazer’s in-house racist to tears. What began as off-beat, corny lines about ASB leadership morphed into an ineffably grotesque freestyle, pelting his audience with obscure references to Don Quixote, Charles Manson quotes, and racist ideas unheard since the Dark Ages as a light flashed in his eyes and he “locked in like Guantanamo.” He continued for the next five minutes until the cameraman tragically missed his ad-lib, prompting a primal roar, from what we can only imagine was Harrison undergoing a lycanthropic transformation, as the camera falls to the floor and screams are heard in the background.
This week, a brave reporter at the Blazer, armed with a false-tooth cyanide capsule, was able to approach Mr. Blatt coming out of an old apartment building to ask for his side of the story. He had a newfound bounce in his step and a grill on his teeth coming out of a 15 minute studio rental. He was excited to reveal the upcoming release of an EP “Criminal Blattery” under the name 2Blatt. He continued on, saying he’s soon to join the ‘Big 3’ of rap, and expects to take the spot of Kendrick Lamar. Blatt revealed that he had been self-reflecting since the incident and is trying to learn to “harness [his] limitless power around basic people.” In fact, he didn’t seem to have any regret for what he said, given he would respond as if he were in a Genius interview when presented with excerpts from his freestyle. “Oh yeah, I came up with that one because I had just read a Twitter conspiracy thread on the Trail of Tears and it tied beautifully into the Iraq war bar right before it.” And in response to a more incriminating line: “Okay, I admit I slipped a little on this one. The snares were picking up and, seriously, what else rhymes with “finger on the trigger?”