As the 2024 Presidential Election approaches us, many constituents find themselves in an awkward position and at an ideological stalemate with the upcoming candidates. Among the Democrats, Republicans, and unplugged from the matrix, two less than favorable choices (with one devastatingly worse) are on track for the nominee. So what’ll it be – a tyrannical, mentally unstable orange goober with near-convicted criminal charges or Sleepy Joe? This “twinge of cringe” felt when bubbling in the ballot is a bipartisan conundrum: a unanimous sentiment. Seniors at Berkeley High school who are or will be eligible to vote have felt record levels of disdain and reluctance for backing up these specific candidates, with about 80% of BHS voting seniors reporting that they “have no fucking clue what to do or what anything even means anymore.” One senior in IB (who pre registered to vote in sophomore year) noted: “this election sucks; no Kanye, no hype.”
Despite these all time low levels of morale regarding our future POTUS, new candidates have entered the race, potentially granting American constituents the agency to ramp up their patriotism. The Blazer humbly presents a list and description of some awe-inspiring candidates, not listed in any particular order.
-Gorlock the Destroyer of One Thousand Suns
Gorlock made her first appearance on some couple hundred podcasts, labeling herself as a “certified baddie.” Her origins are mostly unknown, although she is thought to have emerged from Lake Anza around 500 years ago, making her more than eligible to run. Her background at Tilden Park is where she claims to have acquired a “deep synergistic relationship with the vibrations and wavelengths of the forest.” Her politics lean moderate-conservative, however liberal in terms of environmental policy. "Get rid of all the streets and replace them with biking trails,” she famously remarked in her campaign speech in Cincinnati, Ohio.
-Jonathan Pork
Jonathan Pork was born and raised in Virginia, USA, joining the eight other former US presidents from Virginia. After completing a Master’s degree at Yale University for business, he joined the Marines. In 1994, he was dishonorably discharged on counts of “relentless midnight tickling” of bunkmates. Pork’s main campaign issues include veteran rights, pro-second amendment, and foreign relations. Overall, he seeks to improve immigration policy and demilitarize the borders, which one could argue directly contradicts his love of guns. He wouldn’t, though. He never would.