Wednesday, August 16th. Students return from summer break to find our glorious leader, Juan Raygoza, missing. In his stead, Tonia Coleman, her first time in the commander’s chair. Interim Principal Coleman would quickly begin garnering favor through a media tour: a Jacket article on September 23rd, classroom appearances, general walking around. Kissing babies, shaking hands. As the orange leaves began to fall, the school almost seemed to forget.
How did Interim Principal Coleman, now Executive Vice Principal, oust Juan Raygoza from the seat of power? A horseshoed Blazer reporter intends to uncover the truth.
First was to find out where Juan Raygoza had been. The most common, Blazer-patented interview method: walking up to people and asking “Hey, you know anything about [unfolding situation]?” then praying that they don’t lie, was unsuccessful. Teachers, infamously administration-loyalists when push came to shove, supported the lie that Juan Raygoza was on paternity leave. These impromptu interviews happened during the first week of October, and close Blazer friend Joseph Biden made it clear that “no [teachers] or any other kind of [administrative education employee] would receive any more than one or two [EXPLETIVE] weeks of leave.” Substitutions for President Biden’s choice of nouns in reference to teachers are necessary; those words haven’t been in print since the Woodrow administration.
It was clear, from the teacher’s unwillingness to disclose and the clearly intentional propaganda campaign, that Interim Principal Coleman had forcefully taken power. Obtaining an interview with Executive Vice Principal Coleman proved impossible, however. Repeated knocking, yelling, and breaking surrounding objects did not provide us entrance to Executive Vice Principal Coleman’s fortress. The Jacket must have some kind of secret technique. We’re thinking of trying the windows next week.