Pink leaves from plum trees, Valentine’s day only two weeks removed, and the promposals are out in full force. All across Berkeley High, students take out sharpies and write down the worst puns they can think of, and it somehow works. Many more are left confused and alone, wondering how a drainer-themed promposal worked for other people.
Many have worse ideas, boasting of their rizz capabilities, then approaching as though they’re in a bar, equipped with only one line, the kind that would’ve made your mother reconsider having children. Popular today is the alpha male mindset: self-improvement, stoicism, and the gospel of Andrew Tate might lead you to success, but if it doesn’t, the accursed grow only more hateful, believing now that they deserve a relationship. This vicious cycle leads to only two outcomes; forever hopeless at nineteen, or part of a pyramid scheme.
We interviewed a few people, lifelong soloists, all of whom asked to remain anonymous. From Phil Accio: “I just don’t know what’s wrong with me.” It’s common to feel despair, but unless you call women ‘females’ colloquially, it’s probably not your fault. All it takes is intentional effort on your part, genuine want for human connection, or two to three hours of mewing a day. Looks are important; we won’t deny that. But if you weren’t born looking like Aphrodite or Adonis, then you should focus on other aspects. Alternatively, you can improve your inline canthal tilt, cheekbone indentation, and eye-to-mouth placement with surgery, which should immediately fix all your problems.
So why do those awful promposals work? Because it was never about the promposal; it’s about the person. There is no magical formula; our advice is to be yourself. If that still isn't working when you're out of college, maybe then it's time to be someone else.